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September 7th, 2004


12:19 am - what a weird weekend
so this weekend has been super weird. it started off ok. then sat afternoonish i got the news that Rachel from Muther's passed away. Literally 5 seconds after i turned my phone on Beth called. So I was on my way to rochester to go shopping and stuff, instead i drove to muther's for a memorial of sorts. it was real sad but at the same time i bet rachel was looking down from where ever you go when you die and laughing her ass off at us. So we called clint from muthers and she came by, and i was really happy to see her. I mean i was sad about rachel but really happy to see my buddy again. I missed her a lot. THen we went to RJs and got some food and played darts, oh and i beat her for the first time ever! then we went to her place, then i called roy for some weird reason and he was at RJs so we went back there. he was really surprised to see us together again. To top it off cookie, frankie, and dora were preforming!!! so then kate came by and i crashed over her place
;-) . i didn't really sleep much, but BW made me breakfast the next morning, then i had a crazy driving all over rochester day, with a migraine during the middle of it. But i adventually got to buy some new clothes and they were all on sale!!! and i picked out some really nice stuff by myself. i helped kate set up for the black party which was amazing!!!! i love all of my friends, my bport ones and my new summer ones. I got drunk too which doesn't happen often. Nick introduced me to Yager Bombs, wohoo... yumm. ok i will add more later, but all in all a weird ass weekend, that still isn't over. got to go to a funeral/wake thing tomorrow...
Current Mood: draineddrained

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September 1st, 2004


08:03 pm
i am so freaking aggrivated right now... grrr
why do people have to be such poo-heads?
i honestly thought that people could be civil, i guess not. i don't get it. i never did anything wrong. i am not an idioit either. I am done being nice, i don't fucking care anymore. i use to care, i use to try and figure it all out, what i should or shouldn't say, but i have come to the conclusion that it won't matter anyway, it is not really about me. i guess i don't like being around drama, and therefore i am not going to play into it or be a part of it anymore. it is my new resolution.

and if i lose friends then it just shows that they weren't really my friends in the beginning...


I HATE BROCKPORT!!!
Current Mood: boredbored

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August 31st, 2004


09:13 pm
so the first 2 days of class went fairly well. i am so glad to see everybody again!!!

i have 8 residents, lol therefore i have a lot of time on my hands.... hey i am not complaining.

i am not looking forward to tomorrow... but oh well what can ya do? hopefully it will go ok.

my computer broke :-( but i will try to get on and update this more often.
Current Mood: blahblah

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August 22nd, 2004


11:33 pm
so i am back at the port...

i love my new staff, but i also miss the mortimer crew (you guys know i love you)

volleyball is great, especially in the dark

i miss my new friends already...(kate, matthew, BW, etc) you all rock my world!!!!

ok got to set up the room and sleep, tomorrow is gonna be an early one.

OH YEAH AND I FINALLY GOT MY TATTOO FILLED IN, that is after a thawarted attempt to prevent it... sometimes people are really lame and just plain stupid.... lol but oh well i guess 'tis life'

bed time for meeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Current Mood: tiredtired

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11:30 pm - Child of Nowhere
I am a child of nowhere
an identity that has no place
in this Land of the Free
a freak of nature
with no rights

The color of my skin sets me free
but it is what lies underneath that binds me
just as the tape that binds my chest
strong as the person I want to be

either male or female
is the only choice I have
how can I chose something that I am not

People demand me to pick

Every day the comments
the stares
they yell
you have brought it upon yourself

Safe nowhere but my home
But my house is one of hiding
The hiding of myself

Shame
Guilty
Insecurity

But never fear
the world can take and take
I refuse to be afraid

can they really see
am I that trasparent

do they see
I am not really that strong

Every day I become
More and more ashamed

Ashamed at the invisible scars I bare
The scars from people’s past transgressions

Ashamed that my silence
is so familiar to me now
like a long time(lost?) friend

Ashamed that I want to stop fighing this war
Ashamed that I want to pass

For what I don’t care
Just to pass

History did not make me
But one day it will define me

I am not masculine, but it is in me
I am not feminine, but it is in me

I have hope

I have myself
I have my pride that has not be shattered
I have love and acceptance
I have life

I speak the language of the unknown
the useened, the unheard


There are others out there
That know the same words
That search for the same place
The same refuge as I


We will find a place to be free
Current Mood: lonelylonely

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August 2nd, 2004


08:13 pm - the most amazing bar ever!!!!!!!!!
SO i forgot to write this before.......

I think it was last week or so but i went to the most amazing bar in the whole wide world. it is called Bullwinkles. and it was for big gay nick's bday. he has the most BEAUTIFUL friends ever. And they were all so nice. Anyway this bar is on Lake Ave, like in the middle of the fucking getto, and it was an old speak easy in the 20's i think. and there was this party happening next to us, and then there was us, a bunch of queer and/or pierced/inked/amazing people. It was the neatest thing ever. Stepping into it was like walking back in time. and we got to wear these funky period hats, i had a straw cowboyese hat on. and it is cheap to drink there, unforutunally i was driving, but this cool chick bought me a beer... so anyway i want to have my birthday there!!!!!

and i love nick!!! so much!!! he is the best!!! and he always has time for his boi!!!

p.s. i am in a MUCH better mood now...much, i just needed to get shit out of my system.
Current Mood: dorkydorky

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04:52 pm
so i am not sure what to write. i thought about it last night, actually i couldn't sleep because of it. but after sleeping i figured that maybe i shouldn't write what i wanted to. so i'll say this... there has been a lot of things on my mind. if i offend anybody i am sorry. suprisingly i have been doing well with this whole break up. i mean yeah i am hurt, but aside from the one afternoon where i had a wicked migraine i haven't said anything bad or hurt full. I guess i just want a reason why. It was said that it was a long time coming, but i didn't see it coming, nor did anybody else. How can you fall out of love with somebody that fast and just totally cut of all feelings. And i know it was said that she broke it off for personal reasons, but like less then 2 days later she dates my ex and my bestfriend. I know we all talked and stuff, and i said i was ok with it, or that i will be ok with it. That seems weird. I didn't think that it would be fair if i said no i don't want you to date her, and that it would ruin our friendship, and i ment it. My friendship with her is one of the most important things in my life, BUT i am still hurt. a lot. if i were in that position i would have atleast waited until school started up again or something (timing sucks), but i also know that they had their reasons for beginning when the did and i am not disagreeing with them. but then again i am not in that position.

i miss christy a lot. not so much in the gf sense (which i know is over) but in the friend sense. it is hard to go from talking to somebody manytimes a day to not talking to that person in weeks. and it sucks for me that she has somebody to talk to again. I am NOT jealous, i am happy that she is happy, i just miss what i use to have (i mean somebody to say goodmoring to and goodnight too and to ask about their day, etc). We have talked that she needs time to be my friend again, and that she is afraid that i will say something hurtful to her, but i wouldn't do that, and the fact that she doesn't know that makes me sad. one thing that is hard for me to understand is if you are so much not in love with a person anymore, why can't you still be friends. I mean i KNOW time will heal and all that stuff, but in my brain i don't get it, but i am not saying it is right or wrong, it is just how i feel.

it also feels like i have lost my best friend. i mean i know i haven't but sometimes i feel like i have. Like i got replaced (which i know is not the case). I guess it is just me being in a blah mood. Sometimes i feel like i can't ask her how christy is doing, i mean how else would i know. I still care about both of them as freinds and hope that they are both doing well. I don't want to say anything that will upset her. I also don't want to interfere with the 2 of them. I hope it won't be weird when we all get back to school. Kat said it won't be, so i hope she is right. All i want to do is go on a grand adventure with kat, but i don't want to intrude on time.



so i am not sure what to write. i thought about it last night, actually i couldn't sleep because of it. but after sleeping i figured that maybe i shouldn't write what i wanted to. so i'll say this... there has been a lot of things on my mind. if i offend anybody i am sorry. suprisingly i have been doing well with this whole break up. i mean yeah i am hurt, but aside from the one afternoon where i had a wicked migraine i haven't said anything bad or hurt full. I guess i just want a reason why. It was said that it was a long time coming, but i didn't see it coming, nor did anybody else. How can you fall out of love with somebody that fast and just totally cut of all feelings. And i know it was said that she broke it off for personal reasons, but like less then 2 days later she dates my ex and my bestfriend. I know we all talked and stuff, and i said i was ok with it, or that i will be ok with it. That seems weird. I didn't think that it would be fair if i said no i don't want you to date her, and that it would ruin our friendship, and i ment it. My friendship with her is one of the most important things in my life, BUT i am still hurt. a lot. if i were in that position i would have atleast waited until school started up again or something (timing sucks), but i also know that they had their reasons for beginning when the did and i am not disagreeing with them. but then again i am not in that position.

i miss christy a lot. not so much in the gf sense (which i know is over) but in the friend sense. it is hard to go from talking to somebody manytimes a day to not talking to that person in weeks. and it sucks for me that she has somebody to talk to again. I am NOT jealous, i am happy that she is happy, i just miss what i use to have (i mean somebody to say goodmoring to and goodnight too and to ask about their day, etc). We have talked that she needs time to be my friend again, and that she is afraid that i will say something hurtful to her, but i wouldn't do that, and the fact that she doesn't know that makes me sad. one thing that is hard for me to understand is if you are so much not in love with a person anymore, why can't you still be friends. I mean i KNOW time will heal and all that stuff, but in my brain i don't get it, but i am not saying it is right or wrong, it is just how i feel.

it also feels like i have lost my best friend. i mean i know i haven't but sometimes i feel like i have. Like i got replaced (which i know is not the case). I guess it is just me being in a blah mood. Sometimes i feel like i can't ask her how christy is doing, i mean how else would i know. I still care about both of them as freinds and hope that they are both doing well. I don't want to say anything that will upset her. I also don't want to interfere with the 2 of them. I hope it won't be weird when we all get back to school. Kat said it won't be, so i hope she is right. All i want to do is go on a grand adventure with kat, but i don't want to intrude on time.

on the other hand i had a great time with christy. knowing her made me what to become a better person. I seriously thought that i found the love of my life, maybe i did, and i am thankful for the time we had together. i have learned so much. I know in the end i wasn't myself, but that is my fault and i have to live with that. the one thing i wish was that she would have let me know shit was going bad, cuz i had NO idea. But maybe it was something she didn't want to take the time to work on, i mean i would have tired, we had something good (atleast i thought we did) and i would think it was worth trying to save but oh well. I also understand that soon she would have to start seeing other people, but i always thought in the end we'd be together. Our friends have always said that it seemed that we were going out for longer then we were, cuz we were that intune and connected. When i was around her i had this special feeling and i always got butterflies... IF you love something let it go, if it was ment to be it will come back, if not let it go....

i have let it go... probally for forever....

My hope for her is that she finds happiness...(i also hope that you work on your timing for the next time, if there is a next time, consider me a dry run)

My hope for the kat is also happiness, and that she knows that i love her to death and if needed i would give her my kidney....

i wouldn't wish these past weeks on anybody...

i hope people are not mad at me because of how i feel and that i choose to express it.

i think that i have done a pretty good time handling this, i hope i have.

and i am enjoying the single life... sorta

but i think when u least expect something it will happen... it happend once already :-)

i think i just need to get out of rochester...soon....
Current Mood: calmcalm

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July 28th, 2004


07:53 am
it has been a crazy few weeks. so much for her wanting a drama free summer.
but i am doing better. but nobody really understands. i have been nothing but nice and understanding and caring, well. but it is better then being pissed as hell, which i very well could be. i was hurt, unlike anything before, i never thought that would happen. it wasn't my choice, i would have never done it, or i would have done it differently. but that comes from experience.


why is it always me that gets dumped???
Current Mood: draineddrained

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July 9th, 2004


04:18 pm
it has been a really hard past few days, but i am getting through it.

as stated before i love my friends

it is hard to believe that it is over but it was a good run...

i hate being home (well i am house sitting) but home for the summer. everything always gets fucked up, i know i act different, but this is the last time i will be home on break

i should not have been but i signed on to be an RA for one more semester :-/

kat leaves sunday.... i am glad she has been here with me. she has helped me out a lot

we (kat and i) were both super shocked and surprised by the news from the past few days...


if you love something let it go
if it returns keep it
if it doesn't know it will find a better place to go


on a happy note dennis is coming up for pride!!!! wohoo - gay sleep over+

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July 8th, 2004


04:08 pm
so much has happen...

i hate my life at this moment.

I HATE BEING LIED TOO, no matter what the reasons are

i was doing a lot better with the last few days events, but no i am not so sure

i feels shitty to lose the one you love, even if it is for the best, it still feels shitty and hurts, a lot

my friends are great thou, thanks guys for talking to me

started work this week, it is a lot of fun and a good distraction

not so sure i want to go out to muther's tonight, i mean i do, but i have to get up eary friday and it might be hard to see the ex there, and it is just a weird situation to explain to people...oh well

off to house sit

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